


Comparing

by SerMisty



Series: PolyPearls [17]
Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Blue Pearl is mute, F/F, LONG TIME NO ANGST, Multi, White Pearl Theory, also thank me because I spared you from one last paragraph about Rose's death, sorry this fic took so long, this is kinda sad and I'm sorry Pearl must suffers in my fics I swear I love her
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-24
Updated: 2016-05-24
Packaged: 2018-06-10 08:27:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6947668
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SerMisty/pseuds/SerMisty
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Rose is everything she wants. </p><p>(But not everything she needs).</p>
            </blockquote>





	Comparing

**Author's Note:**

> [anonymous asked:  
> Prompt: polypearls/pearlrose contrast? Sorry if it's vague lol] 
> 
> I have literally no excuses for how much time it took me to write this, I'm sorry. School, life and mostly videogames got in the way. But it's here! And I hope you enjoy. Thank you so much for this prompt!!

Rose is dashing. 

Pearl thinks so since the first moment she meets her. Her eyes, her smile, her voice, her hair, everything about her is beautiful. Pearl could spend the whole day listening to her, even if Rose is talking to the Diamonds and doesn’t even acknowledge her presence. 

«I hate Quartzes». 

Yellow’s words abruptly bring her back to reality. Blue, who is holding her hand, puts her free one on her shoulder to silently ask if she’s okay. 

«Sorry, I was distracted» Pearl says. «Come again?»  
«I said that I hate Quartzes» Yellow repeats. The three of them are leaned against the wall, the Diamonds too far away to notice that they aren’t standing upright as they should, and that Blue is holding Pearl’s hand. They are ready to jump back in the right position if they ever turn around, anyway. «They’re always acting like they are superiors, and bragging about their travels. And they are _hideous_. Look at Pink Diamond’s general, for example: all that hair». 

Pearl blushes. 

«What about her hair?» she dares to ask.  
«It’s too much. It goes everywhere. What use does it even have?» 

Blue pulls Yellow’s arm with her other hand and points at the bangs that fall in front of her eyes, pouting, a little offended.  
Yellow grins. 

«Yours is just perfect, Blue. It hides what I desire to see the most – that’s a good, even if annoying, function». 

Blue smiles, satisfied, and gives Yellow a quick kiss on the cheek. Turning around, she does the same with Pearl.  
She smiles, but then, biting her lips, can’t help but add: «I think Rose Quartz’s hair is beautiful». 

Yellow grimaces. 

«One can’t talk, one can’t see» she says. «These are the gems I hang around with».  
«And you can’t hear a different opinion».  
«We are perfect together». 

Blue laughs silently, and nods a couple of times.  
Pearl steals one last glance to Rose. 

_She is dashing, beautiful, a shooting star_. 

«Yeah, we are». 

 

*** 

 

Rose is everywhere. 

Rose is in White Diamond’s castle while they discuss about important matters regarding space travels and Earth; Rose is on every piece of furniture she has touched, and Pearl doesn’t feel like cleaning them would be right; Rose is in the air, her smell is intoxicating, Pearl can’t take it out of her mind; Rose is in the reflection of the mirror as she walks behind her, and is in Pearl’s memory when she remembers the way she quietly talked to her, and smiled, and said she's not like the others. 

Any other day, she would consider it an intimidation, a threat of exposing the secret that lays in the defect of her gem; said by Rose, however, it feels like a compliment. A move, even. 

Rose is in the hallways where they meet accidentally at first, intentionally later. Rose is in the faint touches they exchange. 

Rose is in her lies, when she says: «I’ve only seen her a couple of times». 

Yellow snorts, annoyed. They are alone in the waiting room of Yellow Diamond’s castle, so this time Blue has flooded them with kisses, and they are now sitting on the floor. 

«You’re lucky, then» she replies, one hand stroking Blue’s back. «I’ve lost count of how many times she calls Yellow Diamond. She keeps saying it’s urgent, that they need to talk about Earth». 

Blue tilts her head, pointing at herself and then at the door the separates them from the room where the Diamonds are conducting their meeting. 

«Yeah, I know that» Yellow says. «But even if Earth is a soon-to-be colony of Blue Diamond, Yellow Diamond is still the most powerful. She decides». 

Pearl can’t help but roll her eyes. 

«Decides what?»  
«Everything».  
«A little vague».  
«Shut up and kiss me». 

Pearl does. 

_Rose is in the back of her mind, talking about the beauty of Earth_. 

She kisses deeper, trying not to think about it. 

 

*** 

 

Rose is known. 

There isn’t a single gem on Homeworld, and it isn’t a stretch, that hasn’t heard the name of Rose Quartz. Of course she is not the only Rose Quartz in existence, even if they are rare, but Pearl could bet that she is the first Rose Quartz that comes in everyone’s mind. 

She is a capable general, Pink Diamond’s chosen one. She has visited more planets than anyone she can name – even more than Diamonds themselves – and has met many different creatures. Rose is well known and respected, and there are different opinions about her. 

«She is a troublemaker». 

That is one. 

«I don’t think so» Pearl crosses her arms and shakes her head. She must look like a new-hatched gem.  
«Well, this is what my Diamond says» Yellow replies, shrugging. «She says that it isn’t the first time she complains about their way of dealing with colonies, and that one day or another she may become a burden to take care of». 

A shiver runs through Pearl’s spine. 

«To take care of?» she repeats, voice cracking. «What does that mean?»  
«What do you think that means?» Yellow raises one eyebrow. «It’s Yellow Diamond we’re talking about». 

Of course. Pearl hums, nods.  
But Rose won’t be _taken care of_. It’s ridiculous.  
She won’t cause any trouble. 

Blue, next to her, projects a hologram from the gem on her chest: in the memory, Blue Diamond is shaking her head and muttering, thoughtful: _«Who does she think she is? It’s my colony. I’ll do what I want»_.

«See?» Yellow smirks. «Everyone knows that she’s a troublemaker». 

Pearl bites her lip. 

«Maybe there is something wrong with the way they deal with colonies» she suggests, voice low, while Blue’s hologram disappears. «I mean, if she insists so much…»  
«Maybe there is» Yellow shrugs again. «But why bring it up? It’s not her place. She can’t do anything about it». 

Pearl hums for the second time. Blue moves closer, one hand sliding through her hair, making her smile. 

_Rose told her once, but only once, absentmindedly, and she remembers it only because she remembers everything Rose says, that she would like things to change_. 

«You’re probably right» Pearl affirms, and kisses Blue’s forehead. «Let’s talk about something else». 

 

*** 

 

Rose is a subversive. 

A rebellious, a revolutionary, an insubordinate. A troublemaker, as Yellow said. There are no charges against her, of course – these are just rumors, gossips that bored Aquamarines like to share with each other. 

Pearl knows it’s true. 

Even in the littlest of things, Rose doesn’t like to follow rules. If Pearl tells her that they can only meet at a certain place at a certain time, Rose will surely pop up somewhere else in a different moment; if she reminds her that she, as a Pearl, isn’t allowed to leave her owner’s quarters if not by given orders, Rose laughs and takes her hand and drags her away gently but firmly; if she repeats that her name is White, because she is White Diamond’s Pearl, Rose strokes her face with kindness and murmurs that no, she isn’t, she’s Pearl because she’s unique and beautiful, her own gem. 

Now, this is something revolutionary. 

Rose’s ideas on how the world should work are completely new, and Pearl is afraid. She is afraid because she likes them, she agrees with them, and she is afraid because Rose’s courage in breaking the rules is influencing her, too. 

She kisses Yellow deeply, cupping her face, smiling in her mouth. Blue, behind her, is still flushed by the same kiss she has received a moment earlier.  
Yellow breaks the kiss by pushing her away, her cheeks a cute shade of orange. 

«Alright, slow there, Tiger-Eye» she forces a grin, embarrassed. «The Diamonds are in the other room».  
«Who cares?» Pearl replies, and moves forward. Yellow’s hands on her shoulders keep her away.  
«I care. What if they discover us?»  
«It’s just our typical kiss».  
«That was _definitely_ not our typical kiss». 

Pearl laughs, but gives up. She turns to Blue, takes her hands, smiles. 

«Why don’t we go watch the stars?» she offers.  
«Maybe you haven’t noticed» Yellow grins, «but we’re in Blue Diamond’s tower. No balconies, only a small window up there, covered by a curtain. We’ll have to wait for a meeting in either mine or your Diamond’s castle, White». 

Blue nods and shrugs quietly, gently, resigned.  
Pearl keeps smiling. 

«We could sneak out». 

Blue goes stiff, Yellow blinks. 

«We could _what_?»  
«Come on, the meeting will not end shortly. We watch the stars for a minute and go back».  
«It’s… Not a good idea». 

It was a risk, of course, but taking risks was fun. Pearl just wanted to show them how much she loved them – burning with the desire of showing more and more, maybe because she was starting the feel guilty, from time to time.  
Still smiling, mouthing a _come on_ by parting her lips, Pearl pulled a confused and shocked Blue forward. Before she could drag her away, however, Yellow reached out and teared her away from Pearl’s arms. Blue clutched at Yellow’s shoulder, Yellow frowned. 

«Are you trying to get the three of us killed?» she hissed. «What’s gotten into you tonight?» 

Pearl blinks, her hands shaking, realizing only now what she was about to do. 

_Rose has gotten into her, that’s what; but she can’t protect them like Rose protects her_. 

«I’m sorry» she lowers her head. She tries not to miss the feeling of adrenaline, of risk in her body, because she doesn’t need it, she doesn’t. «I was just – sorry». 

 

*** 

 

Rose is different. 

Pearl hates to compare, she feels like she’s offending all of them, but she can’t help it. She studies the differences in an almost scientific manner, trying not to put feelings in it, because she knows she would lose herself. 

Rose’s hair is big and curly and soft. Pearl adores stuffing her face in it and smelling it, and is grateful that Rose doesn’t find it weird, and that she smiles instead.  
Yellow’s hair isn’t near as big as hers, but she likes to mess with her topknot, to see her groaning and complaining, trying to fix it. Blue’s hair isn’t really made to let hands disappear in it – but _oh_ , the way she lets her raise her bangs to watch her in the eyes, it sends shivers down Pearl’s spine. 

Rose’s eyes, in this regard, are full of life. They shine, sometimes, and it looks like they’re filled with stars, and Pearl loves it when it’s something that she says or does to make them sparkle.  
Yellow’s eyes are usually colder, sometimes judgmental. Pearl takes it upon herself to make them show the emotions she knows Yellow has inside her, and that she has learned to hide long ago. Blue’s eyes are beautiful, deep and mysterious as the one of a Sapphire, and Pearl is convinced that they can see down her soul. 

Rose’s lips, she thinks as she remembers their last kiss, are full and soft. Rose knows how to kiss her, that’s for sure, she knows how to swing her off her feet and make her lose herself in her mouth.  
Yellow and Blue learned how to kiss together with her, tentatively, exploring each other. They taught one another the sparks their lips could give. Those kisses are memories that Rose’s ones, as wonderful as they are, will never be able to replace. Those kisses are history of a decision, of a secret, of a deal made with hearts. 

Rose’s arms are big and strong, and her hand can close completely around Pearl’s thin arm. At first, this difference was scary – but Pearl found quickly that there was no safer place than Rose’s arms, always open for her, always ready to hold her and often unwilling to let her go.  
Yellow and Blue’s arms are just like hers, because their bodies were made of the same type, as a reminder of what they are. Pearl doesn’t complain: it feels safe, too, to know what you’re touching, what you’ll find. Their hands are extremely caring, too, and Pearl is never reluctant to hold them. 

_Rose is different from Blue and Yellow, and not only in the body. The way she talks, she acts, she thinks is different_. 

Pearl realizes she loves them all, and together with joy comes a shiver of fear that she cannot send away. 

 

***

 

Rose is in love with her. 

This is what she says. She confesses it with her lips on her neck, in a dark hallway that isn’t suited for a declaration like that. She admits it in a breath full of hope, of despair, and it has no sense because she’s a Quartz and she can have her, if she wants, and still Rose asks for what Pearl wants, what Pearl wishes. 

Pearl doesn’t really know. She never knows what she wants. She didn’t know she wanted Blue and Yellow until she had them, and she didn’t know she wanted Rose until she was in her arms. Pearl is never sure of her wishes – mostly, she is afraid of them. 

«Homeworld calls White! You there?» 

She blinks, turning away from the window. Blue and Yellow are looking at her with amused looks. 

«You’re spacing out a lot recently» Yellow observes. «Are you alright?» 

Pearl nods. 

«I’m fine. I’m just tired».  
«Tell me about it!» 

Yellow’s laugh is a little bit nervous, as if she’s trying to brush something off. Blue tilts her head, moving closer, takes Pearl’s hands in hers and squeezes them. Asking. Pleading.  
Pearl forces out her most reassuring smile. 

«I’m fine, I promise».  
«Are you sure?» Yellow offers. She scratches the back of her neck, hesitantly smirking. «You know you can tell us everything, right?» 

No, she can’t. Not everything. She can’t tell them she has an affair with Pink Diamond’s troublemaker general, that she eludes her Diamond’s surveillance to sneak out and see her, that she talks about Earth and life and spaceships and freedom in Rose Quartz’s laps; she can’t tell them that Rose has taught her how to fight, how to summon her weapon, she can’t make them see her spear nor teach them how to summon theirs; she can’t possibly reveal about those backs against the walls, those kisses full of passion, because she would hurt them – and hurting them is the last things she wants, and she is sure about that. 

She should, probably. They have a right to know.  
The idea of how they will look at her scares Pearl too much. 

«I know» she says, and she does know, but it’s complicated. «I’m fine, I swear». 

They don’t seem completely satisfied, and Pearl feels like a fool. They have been together for centuries, they have known each other for more than that, it’s obvious that they can read her as an open book.  
Pearl wonders if they already know.  
Pearl wonders if they have always known. 

Blue’s grip on her hands tightens a little. Yellow looks away. 

«We love you». 

_Rose smiles and cries when Pearl answers: «So do I», and she holds her and thanks her and Pearl knows it feels right_. 

«I love you too» she says. It’s true, it’s honest, it’s sincere, it’s right – but it feels a little late, and Pearl isn’t sure why. 

 

*** 

 

Rose is planning a rebellion. 

Everyone suspects that someone is planning something – it’s in the air, heavy and promising, it can be smelled. But only Pearl knows who and what, and she is involved, too. 

Rose says that it can’t go on forever. That Earth is the most beautiful planet that she has ever seen, so full of life, of beauty, and that she can’t watch it being destroyed.  
Pearl has never seen Earth and when Rose talks about it she understands half of the things she says, but if Rose thinks it’s beautiful, it must be.  
Rose says that Blue Diamond, being the future owner of Earth colony, would be a perfect target – but it’s only the two of them against the second most powerful forces of Homeworld, so it’s impossible for now.  
Pearl is relieved when she hears that. She doesn’t want to put Blue in any danger.  
The greater financier of the Injectors, the machines that destroy planets’ life, is Rose’s own Diamond. The plan is simple, in theory: kill Pink Diamond, run away, start a war, win it, save Earth. 

It looks a lot more complicated to do than to say, but Pearl is glad for Rose’s honesty. 

The part that she hates the most in that quick sum of events is the “running away” one: it means that she would have to leave everything behind, that she will never be able to come back to what she abandons. 

That means _them_ , too. 

«Can I ask you a weird question?» 

Blue and Yellow turn around. They are on the balcony of Yellow Diamond’s waiting room. 

«There was ever a time in which your questions weren’t weird?» Yellow teases. Blue giggles. 

Pearl scratches the back of her head. 

«If I were to run away» she says, «would you come with me?» 

Silence ensues.  
Pearl isn’t exactly expecting an heartfelt _yes_ followed by hugs and kisses. She knows what her question could cause, and she is fairly sure she also knows the answer, but she had to ask anyway. If she has to make a decision, she has to know. 

Yellow blinks a few times. 

«This must be your weirdest question so far» she murmurs. 

Blue chews on her bottom lip. Hesitating, she moves forward to hold Pearl’s hand, kisses her cheek, and hides her face in her shoulder.  
Pearl’s hand shakes.  
Yellow doesn’t give an answer. Pearl doesn’t need it after all, she knows. 

«You aren’t going to leave» she asks instead, «aren’t you?» 

_Rose is planning a rebellion and says that she wants Pearl to be a part of it. That the rebellion cannot exist if Pearl isn’t a part of it. That she can’t do it if Pearl isn’t with her._

«Of course not» Pearl replies, and she wonders who needs her the most. «It was a stupid question. Forget it». 

 

*** 

 

Rose is freedom. 

Since the beginning, it should have been easy to realize. Every single gesture of Rose expressed the inevitable arrive of a change, and Pearl should have been prepared.  
When it comes, however, she still isn’t ready. 

She has helped Rose making the bomb, but she doesn’t know the outcome. When she hears White Diamond’s Achroite soldiers screaming, and then the door opens and Rose appears, beautiful and sweaty and gasping and terrified, she knows she isn’t ready at all. 

Rose says that the bomb went off too early. She says she barely escaped. She says Pink Diamond is dead, but they know she did it, they know she’s there, and they need to go – they need to go _now_. 

Pearl takes her hand and runs. 

If she said that she has no regrets she would be lying. For every step she takes she shifts from sureness to despair, not knowing if she did right, if she’s still in time to change her mind, if she _wants_ to change her mind. 

She has no idea of how they succeed in running away from the castle. Everyone is there – the _Diamonds_ are there, all the remaining three of them, and every Quartz of every type is there, but Rose holds her hands and protects her and it’s a miracle maybe but everyone is screaming and there is smoke and Pearl just follow Rose, Rose, _Rose_ , and she runs and they’re out. 

«White!» 

Her hands slips from Rose’s grip, and she stops. She turns around – smoke, screaming gems, panic, crowd – and Yellow and Blue are just behind her, confused, shocked, betrayed.  
Pearl’s legs are weak. 

Blue’s tears shine under the light of a fire that Pearl doesn’t know how or when it started. She moves forward, tries to reach her, but Yellow grabs her and holds her close – and Pearl is grateful for that, because her arms shake too much to hug her. 

«Don’t» Yellow whispers, caressing Blue’s hair. There’s no warning in her eyes, just a plea, and Pearl feels empty. «Stay». 

She thinks she might.  
She thinks she should.  
She thinks she wants. 

«Pearl! Run!» 

Rose has stopped too – smoke, screams, panic, crowd – and reaches out her hand to Pearl, offering her safety.  
Blue, on the opposite side, stretches her own arm. Offering her a home. 

And Pearl hates herself, but in the middle of all of that, she realizes that there is _one thing_ that Rose is able to give her that Blue and Yellow never will, the one thing she craves the most. 

She turns around again, not realizing she’s crying until she feels tears in her mouth. 

«I’m sorry». 

She runs. 

She escapes, finding Rose’s hand and holding it – don’t let me go, don’t let me go – as Yellow’s scream echoes in her ear. She still hears her voice and sees Blue’s face when they are far, far, far away from there. 

_Rose is freedom, and she wants freedom more than anything else in the world_. 

The price to pay for it, however, is higher than she expected. 

*** 

Rose is the one. 

Pearl loves everything about her, and she would give her life for her. She loves the way she talks, the way she laughs, the way she walks; she loves her eyes and hair and lips, and arms and legs and fingers; she loves the way she fights and the way she sighs in joy in front of the smallest of living creatures. 

She loves the way Rose loves her, and she feels the luckiest gem on Earth and galaxy together.

But, but, but, but, but. 

Sometimes. 

Sometimes, when her fingers interlock with Rose’s, her other hand feels dizzy and empty, as something was missing, and the hand Rose is holding starts itching, too, until she has to let go.  
Sometimes, when Pearl makes a joke and Rose doesn’t get it, she remembers that it was a shared anecdote between the three of them, and that Rose will never be able to understand, and it doesn't sound so funny anymore.  
Sometimes, Rose wonders why Pearl turns around so abruptly every time a thin, tall gem walks beside her; Pearl would like to explain, but she can’t – how can she explain that she sees them everywhere?  
Sometimes, Pearl tells Rose she loves her as many times as she can, and it’s true, but it’s not the only truth and it hurts.  
Sometimes, when Rose tells Pearl she loves her, she can’t really believe her. 

Sometimes Rose finds Pearl hidden somewhere, alone, crying, and asks her what’s wrong, if she’s hurt. Pearl says she’s fine, but she’s actually not – she’s shattering inside, she’s not whole, she’s missing pieces. 

__Rose is the one, Rose is the one she loves_._

But not the only one. 


End file.
